my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
