I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just gift wrapped bread.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
