I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
