how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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