The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
