i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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