Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
