Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
