man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
