fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
