i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
