Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
