My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
