I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
