It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
