I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
