I want to have your abortion
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
