Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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