Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
