If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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