If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
