Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
