No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
