I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
