I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
