If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
