you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
