I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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