god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
