I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
