I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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