Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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