Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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