i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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