well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Randomize
