I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
