It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
