I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
