haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
