vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
