the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
