I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
