Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
