I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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