I smell stomach acid.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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