Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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