i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
