I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
