All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
