I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
