He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
