I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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