When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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